The Spanglish Girl Diaries
Fake it Until You Make It (Diary No. 6)
So when the damage is so deep it fills every ounce of your heart, there is only one other option–according to our shrink–and that is to fake it until you make it…
So, here I am, on a Saturday getting ready to go on a date with my
ex-husband. Bizarre, given the fact that only a few months ago, I was at a Mexican witch doctor trying to put a spell on him (#loca).
Our new plan: try to fall back in love… I’m a bit nervous about our date and what will come of it. Will he spend the night? I don’t want him in my apartment. I moved out of the house to escape any memories of “us.” To bring him here would be a violation of my new found joy and freedom. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll have to move again…
In our first therapy session, we talked about the divorce attorneys he caught me looking up. I admitted that it was out of curiosity: I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. Anyone in a broken marriage knows what I’m talking about. You make plans but you don’t actually know when or even if you will go through with them.
My husband all but admitted he too was planning his out. Only he, unlike me, had a set time frame. He said he was waiting for me to start law school, but when he caught me looking up attorneys he decided to leave sooner. The manner in which he left, he confessed, was out of resentment. I could go on and on about all the crazy stuff we admitted to, but why? In the end, our shrink said we both had serious issues and would not only need individual but also marriage therapy for years to come… #crazies
By the end of the therapy session, we were clear on very little other than the fact that we both were willing to give this last try our all. When I told my mother about our plan, she freaked. So much so that when I was leaving, she gave me her usual blessing, only this time I swear I felt holy water hit my forehead. She believes he put a spell on me, little does she know I’m the one who tried to on him. I don’t blame my mother for not being supportive, she saw too much. That’s the one thing about marriage, you may forgive each other, but your families will not so easily.
When our shrink suggested we fake it until we make it, we both were surprised. It makes sense, though: when you first fall for each other–it’s all fake. You don’t know each other and for the most part you are both putting on your best face. So, really, how is this different? If we are trying to fall in love again then it’s only natural that we put our best foot forward.
I will say this much, this whole experience makes me question all those happy couples I see on the city streets holding hands and so on. Now, I’ll always wonder if they are in therapy and their therapist suggested they fake it until they make it… #phonies
Back to the date. He didn’t give me any clues, only told me to wear something formal and a car will pick me up at 7. I decided on a red fitted mermaid style gown. It tucks me in, in all the right spots and hugs my curves like a glove. I straight ironed my hair and pulled it to the side. I don’t have any jewelry to wear because I pawned it all: I hope he doesn’t notice…
Until next time,